Leadership

Another book done - Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen.  Lynne picked this up over 6 months ago and the title never inspired me.  But I ran out of reading material so I gave it a try and devoured it in a day.  I'm off to B&N to buy another of her books - she's very good!  Let me know if you want to know more about the elephant book.  Her two prior books are about horses.

Today, while doing laundry (I know that you should never leave your partner home a week alone with your dirty laundry to take care of!) I spent the hour catching up with my Harvard Management Updates.  I'm about 6 months behind, but have all but one left to read - yeah!  I think that Barb K. is also a subscriber to this newsletter - we should think about splitting the annual cost and sharing or getting BBBSA to pay the cost and circulate...?

Anywho - the April 2007 edition was all about leadership, so it gave me plenty to think about while reading.  They talked about the leadership gap that will appear in about five years, as the first of the Boomers retire, as well as making the transition from manager to executive leader, retaining leadership talent, and the article that got my mind working - "Leadership ability - you either have it or you don't". 

In this article, by Marty Linsky, Cofounder of Cambridge Leadership Associates (why we don't all pool our talents and gifts and start our own leadership consulting firm is beyond me!), talks about critical leadership skills:  adaptability, tolerance for uncertainty and conflict, relationship skills and the ability to let others take the reins.

While I, personally, do ok in a couple of these areas, I realize that I still have a lot of maturing to do in others.  Mr. Linsky talks about "bearing up in the face of ambiguity and chaos."  He gave the example of coaching a CEO to tolerate conflict in his team, rather that deciding issues for them just to avoid the conflict.  I think I may have spent more time than appropriate doing that with my staff.  Beth would say I enabled them, but it's important to understand the underlying reason for that.  My lack of tolerance of conflict.  Rather than let my staff work things out on the their own, I ran in and rescued too quickly and too often.  The final few months I was at BBBSA, I was so tired and lost, I did less rescuing, but the result often was that I'd have to go back and do the work myself because the staff person couldn't (or wouldn't?) work it out. 

Mr. Linsky says in the article that "solving problems for others can too easily become part of your identity," and that you won't allow yourself time for higher-level work.  And that you prevent direct reports from developing their own leadership skills.  Did I interfere with my staff's opportunity to develop their own leadership skills by stepping in too quickly?  I go back and forth.  I don't feel that's true with Denise, whom I would always ask for her ideas and proposals on projects, then would provide feedback and help with fine-tuning.  Kathie...well.  Not so easily done.  Sharon...her solutions were never as customer-friendly as I wanted, so we played a tug-of-war.

"Leadership entails risk."  Risk for me creates anxiety.  Now...I manage my anxiety 150% times more better than even 6 years ago!  And 1,000x more better than when I first came to NYC!  Back in 1987, I was afraid to walk on subway grates in case I fell in, I was scared to deal with utilities, banks, insurance companies, etc. over the phone (I couldn't always anticipate their questions, so I couldn't prepare my answers in advance!)...I had little ability to advocate for myself in the big city!

Remember when I went to the PGA tournament up in Westchester county over a month ago.  Remember how I said I was doing my first spontaneous activity and taking a risk?  Angelia responded by asking what the heck was so risky :-)  But things like that can still may me anxious.  It was a big thing for me to go - and a real trust-building exercise with myself.  You'd be amazed!

Anyway...back to leadership.  When I come back to BBBSA, I am going to work very hard to have made some changes.  I'll need the people around me to keep me honest about what I'm trying to change.  I don't want to be as compliant about things:  I want to really use my critical thinking skills to challenge some of the thinking more.  Mind you - I pick my wars and I chose very carefully.  To me, very few things are worth battling over.  As long as what we're doing is not dragging us off the deep end, it may be different or in a different direction and I won't put up a big fight.  That's not going to change about me.  But I need to listen more deeply and hear the dissonance (which, by the way, I hate musically and even more in personal relationships!  I'm a pretty solid harmony person myself!).  I need to challenge underlying assumptions and do what that Learning and Development group is always pushing us towards:  "clarify your purpose" and identify your outcome.

The other thing I plan on doing differently if I have staff, is to not jump in to solve problems for them.  Encouraging that in others, as well as expecting it from them.  Standing back more.  And pushing myself to move out of my comfort zone into new areas of the business.  In the cover article ("When the Boomers Leave, Will Your Company Have the Leaders It Needs?"), they talked about Fidelity Investments' Accelerated Leadership Development Process.  They developed action-learning project teams, who work together to address issues of strategic importance.  The idea is that team members are exposed to areas they don't typically work in, performing in roles that take them outside of their comfort zone.  In that experience, Cynthia McCauley, from the Center for Creative Leadership says that it is important that "you reward development, not just performance." 

So...a little bit about me (hopefully not too much informaiton!) and my thoughts on Leadership as I continue to think about my return to BBBSA.  If any of you want to share some feedback with me about my leadership style, abilities, areas of development...I'd love to hear from you! 

Reconnecting

One of the things I committed myself to doing while on my "break" was to reconnect.  Not only with myself (which is going pretty well, I think), but with a couple of people I have lost over the last couple of years.

At least one of those relationships is irreparable lost.  That I know and reluctantly accept.  I hate when friendships end.  I always have.  I've always thought that it's because my parents and I left all the family we ever knew to come to America.  We actually spent about 6 months of my life visiting everyone one last time, taking 8mm film of me and my mom standing alongside grandparents, uncles, great aunts, cousins...waving goodbye.  All before I had turned five. 

Keep in mind that in 1967, when we moved to America, you just didn't hop on a plane and fly back across the ocean once a year for Holidays.  It cost lots of money back then and there were few intercontinental flights.  So, for my parents, this was it for a very long time.  For my mom, she never returned to Britain until dad took her ashes over to scatter in several very special places.  Dad didn't return for 30 years, six years after mom died. 

So...all my life, friends were all the extended family I knew.  When I was a little girl, I remember hating Thanksgiving and Christmas.  All the kids on the playground would be talking about Grandma This and Uncle That coming to visit and bringing them presents.  I would walk away and try not to listen.  I couldn't understand why I couldn't have that.  And in my house, Thanksgiving was a foreign holiday (back home, we used to celebrate Guy Fawk Day on November 5th, with fireworks, big bonfires and potatoes roasting on long sticks, stuck into the fire).  Mom was good though.  She managed to pick-up the American traditions quickly, so much so that by the time I was in high school, I remember begging her to go back to a more traditional English X-mas. And from that point on, even the year she died, mom made Christmas Pudding from scratch, starting in July so that the rum would have plenty of time to ferment! 

Since I was a little girl, loosing touch or feeling out of contact with friends is like leaving England all over again.  Since working for BBBSA, several friends have dropped off from neglect.  My allowing work to consume almost every segment of my life has resulted in feeling isolated and friendless.  That's not to say I haven't made wonderful friends and formed amazing relationships at BBBSA.  I have.  But those I left behind have haunted me.

So, beginning in August, when I began my break, I started to reconnect.  I began with a former colleague from Catholic Big Brothers (CBB), someone I both supervised and worked side-by-side with for nearly ten years.  We had stayed in touch via email for a year or two, but then, once I started with BBBSA, I found less and less time and energy. 

Kate now works for BBBS of NYC (under the supervision of another former CBB employee) and with two other former CBB staff I'd supervised.  We've already had dinner twice and caught up on work, family, friends and life.  Kate is 67 and only tolerated retirement one year before putting herself back into the BBBS world.  She has lived an amazing life: born and raised in Buffalo NY, lived on a commune in San Francisco, had two girls, husband left her, went on welfare, got a job working for welfare, got a nursing degree, ended up doing social work in NYC (and often appeared before Judge Judy in NYC Family Court!)  She's lived in the East Village for forever, is a die-hard city person, even though she threatens to go back to Provincetown MA where she lived and worked for a dozen years while with her 2nd husband.

In late August, I tracked down Teddy, an Occupational Therapist, choreographer and part owner of a NYC dance studio.  Teddy is almost 60 and a pistol!  In many ways, your stereotypic Jewish New Yorker - lots of moxie.  We worked together at VISIONS/ Services for the Blind and Visually Impaired for four years.  Since then, we've had dinner about 3x a year and I would get invited to her major life events.  Until about 4 yearsago.  So, we are working on reconnecting and getting back on track.  For me, Teddy has always been someone who I knew, if things went really bad in my life, I could go to and be safe. 

Then I reached out to MerriLee.  We shared a casa at St. Joseph Youth Center in Dallas.  Eight emotionally disturbed teen girls lived in our casa (one of eight casa's on campus).  ML was the Residential Therapist.  I was the Recreational Therapist for the entire campus.  After we both left St. Joe's, and before I left Dallas, ML moved to the U of Arkansas, Fayetteville, to get her PhD in Psychology.  And she got married to the Psychologist at St. Joes.  I saw her at least once a year for about ten years after moving to NY, then it suddenly ended.  I just don't know why.  I'd write and get no response.  Maybe they moved and she never got the letters.  The phone number changed....Finally, in another reconnection I made in August, I got a phone number and address.  I left a voice mail and wrote a letter.  I've heard nothing.  I guess sometimes it's just too long without a connection. 

And then, today.  I found my courage to make the most difficult of the reconnections.  My old pal and mentor from BBBS of Harrisburg, Stephanie Strayer.  We had done so well staying in touch.  Then, May of 2006 she emailed me and I kept putting off the response.  I was deep into the conference and felt like I had no bandwidth.  I told myself I'd call her after conference.  Then Regionals started and I just continued to struggle.  I was tired, angry, discouraged and preparing to quit.  I didn't want her to have to deal with all that crap, so I put off calling her.  Why can't I trust that people who love and care about me can tolerate my pain?  I can't.  I retreat and withdraw.  Stiff upper lip.

So,  over 17 months later, I called.  And hoped.  And she called me back.  And told me about her scare with lung cancer (they removed 1/3rd of her lung before they discovered that the growths they were seeing were related to her rheumatoid arthritis).  I wasn't there.  I wasn't there for her.  For 2 months, while they ran test after test, she believed she was dying of lung cancer.  Makes frustration with conference logistics seem pitiful, doesn't it?

We ended our call today on a good note.  Now I'll need to prove myself to her.  Prove I'm committed to changing and to not walking away or shutting down.  I'll do it.  Steph has given me so much over the years - she taught me the definition of quality, the importance of standards, and we always drafted program policies for our agencies together.  I've missed her. 

And so...that's one of the things I've been trying to do on my time away from you.  I think I'm just about through the list.  Now the work really comes!  To keep my priorities in order.  To remain dedicated to my extended family.  To allow myself the benefit of good friends and supportive relationships. 

Monday Mornings

Got my butt up this morning and headed out to the park.  Lynne and I had a lazy weekend at home, so I've got a touch of cabin fever!  I did finish off The Road, by Cormac McCarthy.  Best darn book I've read on what we'll all end up to be since Helen Caldicott's work.  Read it.  It's one of those that will stay with you.

So this morning, I left the house early. Usually my walk is late afternoon around 4:30 - 5:00pm, so that I'm home by 6pm to watch the news and get dinner ready.  There's a whole different group of folks out and about this time of day: mom with babies (and dogs), nanny's, childcare workers, quite a few dads and babies, lots of people walking dogs (one was walking 8 of them).

I picked up a bagel and ice tea before heading in, then found a picnic bench on the great lawn to read before heading over to the other side of the park.  I started Khaled Hosseini's, A Thousand Splendid Suns, as comfortable a read as Kite Runner was.  I love his sense of imagery...give me good imagery and I'm yours forever!

After about 30 minutes (and a generous shmere of cream cheese on my bagel!), I walked over to the lake.  I stopped on the way for about 15 minutes of sun and 3 chapters of the book, then headed into the woods.  I passes two classrooms of children on a tour of the park with the rangers, talking about life cycles of trees, etc.  One of my favorite picnic benches on the big lake was vacant, so I planted myself for another 30 minutes or so to write in my journal. 

As I was winding up, an older couple with a 3-4 year old girl walked over in my direction.  They were speaking, I believe Polish.  I gave up my picnic bench to them, and walked across the lawn to the smaller section of the lake, where my favorite bench is, and where I stop daily to read or write.  As I walked down the path and into the opening at the lake, I could see lots of splashing off to the side and about 25 yards away.  A fisherman had just caught a 10" stripped bass.  He carefully held it up, unhooked it, and tossed it back into the lake to live another day.

I started back into my book, when about 15 minutes later, the older couple and the little girl come around the corner and join me on the bench.  We shared the shade and cool breeze off the lake, before I decided it was time to stretch my legs again.  On the way back to the Park Slope side of the park, I explored a bridge and roadway I'd seen from a distance but never been on.  I love finding new little niches in the park!

On the way home, God and I had a good talk (the result of some journal thinking).  He is so wonderfully patient with me!  I just go 'round and 'round and 'round on things.  I want to make a difference...how do I know I've made a difference?...am I expecting this to be a major event, or can I settle with just make a difference on a day-to-day basis in small ways?...my expectations versus my fantasy of what it could, should, would be...maybe I should give-up on having the one big idea that will make a big splash somewhere and realize that my role may be to make a difference in little, everyday ways...can my ego live with that...can I?

I'm anxious to get my test results back.  I took a battery of tests last Monday as part of some career counseling and I'm supposed to see the results this week.  Then I meet with the counselor when I get back from Key West.  It's supposed to measure not only my interests, but my potential, for leadership among other things.

I'm also playing more and more in my mind with the concept that work isn't and doesn't have to be my be-all and end-all.  I could make a difference outside of work, in other things I do.  And then, the voice in my mind gently tugs my sleeve and reminds me that it is who we are, and how we live our lives...not necessarily what we do.  Oy!  'Round and 'round we go!

 

A day in the life...and online learning

I've posted a little slide show for y'all to view....The sights I see on my daily walk through Prospect Park - http://\\ntserv1\corp\Agency Services\Agency Communications\A Day In the Park.ppt (on the F: drive under Agency Services/Agency Communications).  It's a big file, so I'd suggest saving it to your hard drive and then opening it, otherwise it will take a few minutes depending on your connection.  Forgive the clarity of focus.  I'm using a borrowed digital camera that doesn't have any close-up lenses.  So most of the shots are distance views.

I've also included a picture (final slide) of Mr. Pigeon, in case any of you think I make this stuff up!  His neighbor across the way had the air conditioner removed yesterday and a piece of foil placed on the window ledge (the foil relects light and disorientates pigeons, so they'll avoid roosting).  I saw that Mr. Pigeon was upset and I'm not sure he stayed last night.  He and his buddies may be out finding new digs. :-(

Today I spent three hours catching up on my on-line learning sessions!  I started in on the AIM courses that came out in the spring - I love the lessons that use voice overs and the interactive practice sessions!  I really got wrapped up in the work - it's so highly interactive (I hated that it would catch me when I misspelled words!) and Becky (I belive that's whose on the voice recorded ones) is perfect!  As a tactile learner, the addition of sound is that additional piece of stimulation to get me going!

I also worked on finishing up the old SDM version 2 CSR, EM and MSS lessons.  I started them over 2 years ago and never finished!  Of course, I spent on hour on CSR, having failed the tests in 6 of the 8 lessons!  Oy-Vay! 

I was inspired after having been on the webinar yesterday for the Business Planning session with Mandy.  I was disappointed.  Not by the content, but by the lack of agencies participating.  And more than that, the absolute lackluster level of participation and interaction on the calls themselves.  I know we sometimes experience that on new CEO Orientation, but it's feeling very systemic.

What is it about adult learning that learners feel that their only job is to listen?  If we had handed all the agencies a completed Business Plan and told them to fill out the name of their agency on the front page and they were done, we'd be....well...it wouldn't be pretty.  Yet, you get folks on calls like this, where you have opportunities for sharing of practices and stimulation of ideas, and people just sit there and say nothing!

Perhaps I'm being overly critical, since all of this is very new and many agencies may not be far in the process, if they have started at all.  But how could you not have any questions?  Was Mandy that thorough?  Or do folks really want us to be prescriptive?  On so many conference calls this happens.  How can we help set the expectation that this is not all about BBBSA staff telling people how it must be? 

I guess it's what worries me about blogs and chat rooms.  Do our colleagues out in the agencies know how to use these venues to stimulate thinking and drive learning?  We seem to be very one directional in our learning experiences.  It never feels as didatic as I would like it to be.  Or perhaps it is and I've just not experienced it.  Please tell me I'm way off base!

Tonight is the first night of Yom Kippur.  My friend Alberta and I are heading to the Javits Convention Center for Kol Nidre services later this afternoon.  I love the services there because they set up the bema (where the readings take place and Rabbi gives the drash) facing west, across the Hudson River.  The sunset is spectacular....

 

 

 

Learning to See Again: Lessons #2 and #3

So...I never finished my vision story.  There were two more lessons that I learned through my travails with learning to use my new glasses!

Lesson #2 - Chin Up!

I learned, that in addition to having to look down when going downstairs, once I reached level land and started strolling, it appears I have a tendency to walk around with my chin up and nose in the air!  I only know that because I found myself looking through the non-prescription part of the lens and couldn't get anything into focus!

Now, why none of you have bothered to tell me I walk around with my nose in the air is beyond me, given that most of you are not in the least bit shy at confronting issues of great importance, such as this one! 

Of course, being British, I was raised with the term "chin up!"  It was often used in one of two ways around my house:  "Chin up, chest out, tail under" or just "Chin up!"  The first is about posture - at least that was the context in which it was used with me - by my dad.  Try it. Chin up, chest out, tail under.  Perfect!  You're standing up as straight as you would if someone had rammed a pole up your bum!  So, in my childhood, "Chin up!" from my dad was my cue to sit up or stand up straight.

The other context in which "Chin up" was used with me was by my mom.  It's all about that British pride and toughness, get-through-the-blitz, "laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone" stuff.  Whenever I was down in my boots (not my wellies, mind you!), mom would always cheer me on with a great bit "Chin Up, Sandra!"

Anyway, back to the point of all of this - my ability to see.  It appears that I like to look up and around when moving about, using a great deal of peripheral vision to scan my environment (it's like multi-tasking for the eyes!) and very little head or neck movement.  But with these new glasses, I have had to learn to keep my chin level and lift my head (not just my eyes) in order to see in focus.

Interesting.  I no longer can see by just moving my eyes very 007/stealth-like.  I must now engage my entire head and neck in the process.  I feel a bit like a puppet...one of those that sits on someone's lap while they talk for them.  But it has had an interesting impact.  I must now both physically and consciously engage in looking, watching, viewing...seeing.  I'm a more active participant in what I am doing.  Not as peripheral, so to speak.

Which brings us to Lesson #3!

As I noted above, I like to scan my surroundings and use lots of peripheral vision.  Not good with these glasses.  The actual field of view is very central (much like someone with macular degeneration), so if I move my eyes/pupils without physically moving my head, things are blurry (outside my prescription or field of vision).

This new way of seeing has left me frustrated and with a constant dull headache.  I miss the days of taking my glasses on and off constantly, then losing them twice a day!  I feel very new to it all.  But alas!  Every day is a bit better.  I've only lost my glasses once and my posture has improved!

Up on a Rooftop

I spent the morning the other day up on the roof.  I don't go there often...New Years Eve to see the fireworks in the park and 4th of July.  But the other morning it was a clear mornings, sunny, windy and cool.  So I took the ol' beach chair and headed up.  Technically, we're not supposed to be up there, but someone in the building keeps a grill up there and a little table, someone else has run a power cord up for a radio or whatever (maybe a blender for margaritas!).

The photo above looks south, toward Staten Island/Coney Island.  You'll see at the top of the picture, Mr. Pigeon.  I didn't even see him when I took the shot!  He's such a show off!  Mr. Pigeon sleeps on the windowsill of the guest room, halfway tucked under the air conditioner.  It's most precarious, but he seems to make it work.  He arrives about 6:30pm, during the evening news.  We check in on each other's day as he grooms and gets ready to settle for the nite.  Last week he brought a friend, who is now roosting on the windowsill of an apartment in the house next door, one flight down.  As an FYI - the buildings are about 10' apart.

Last Sunday, I arrived at church and who was flying around inside by Mr. Pigeon!  He hung out until mass started, then flew back out the window.  He returned just as Father was finishing announcements at the close of mass.  Perched high up on one of the columns, overlooking the alter.  Show off!

If you walk to the front of the building, facing north, you can see midtown.  You can't see if too clearly in the picture below, but I get a beautiful view of the Empire State Building (just to the left of that tall building draped in black - that's the very old Williamsburgh Bank Building in lower Brooklyn that is being converted into condos and shops.  It's the area where they are using eminent domain to toss folks out of their apartments in order to build the new basketball arena for the Nets.

So...up on my rooftop I finished off "Strivers Row" by Kevin Baker and journaled.  I really recommend Strivers Row and would gladly share it with any of you.  I think it's good to have read Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man or even The White Man's Burden by Winththrop D. Jordan before reading this.  Having an understanding of the issues of "yellow" blacks, "high" blacks, etc. really helps drive this historical novel home.

Essentially, it is the fictional life of Malcolm X when he was a young man, before finding religion.  But it's also a wonderful account of life in Harlem during the early 1940's, the issues facing black soldiers preparing to serve in WW II, and the religious community in Harlem at the time, dominated by Adam Clayton Powell Jr., minister of the Abyssinian Baptist Church.

On to the next book - a re-read of Wind in the Willows, a childhood classic!

Seeing Straight or Learning to Use My Vision

I had a powerful experience this past 10 days.  One of those that catches you off guard and knocks you back off your feet a little.  Something I thought I was so good at and had control over...I learned I didn't.  You see...about 10 days ago I had to learn how to see all over again.

Now don't panic - I didn't lose my vision...completely.  In fact, nothing nearly so dramatic.  The fact is, I got a new prescription in my glasses.  A bit stronger lens for the left eye, the same for the right, and a lens to help me with my constant taking on and taking off of the glasses in order to change between my distance vision and my reading vision.

I didn't need bifocals, but a transition lens, with my prescription in the top half of the lens and plain glass in the bottom.  No big deal (so I thought)!  My optician warned me that "some people" say they take a while to get used to...but I was thrilled to have a plan that would keep me from moving my glasses off my face, unto the top of my head, around my neck, and eventually...to loosing them!

Needless to say, ten days later, I am finally adjusting to them (and I think that is only because I don't wear them most of the day!).  In the process, I have learned several things about myself, for this experience has not only been physiological, but metaphorical as well.

Lesson #1:  I look down.  A lot.

I really never realized it before, but apparently I can't walk down steps unless I can see my feet.  I suppose I became vaguely aware that this was the case last January, when I went to take the X-mas tree for recycling.  I was preparing to carry the tree down our 4 flights of stairs-all 5' wide, 5' tall, dried-out balsam - when I froze on the top step.  I wasn't sure where to put my foot as I stepped down.  I looked down, only to get a face full of tree.  I held on to the rail and told myself that I knew exactly where the steps where and that I didn't need to see them to walk.  I got down two steps and my anxiety was steadily increasing.  My brain was clearly telling me that it must see the step before it would let my legs continue.  Eventually I adjusted the tree onto my shoulder and created a field of vision so I could see my feet.  Then I was ok.

With my new glasses, I could see the steps but they were blurry when I looked down, because they were too close for the distance lens to put them into focus and too far away for the clear glass part of the lens to focus my vision.  I found myself squinting, moving my head, my eyes, and trying not to look at my feet, which made my eyes and my head hurt.  And this, in turn, only led to my not being able to get my brain to move my legs!

Now, I've lived in this 4-story walk-up for nine years.  I know the steps...which ones creak more than the others, which ones are warped and no longer level (the house, is, after all, over 100 years old)... even the step with the toe kick that is no longer level and likes to trip you if you race down the stairs too quickly.

So why must I see my feet to go down stairs?  Not upstairs...not walking on the sidewalk, or the treadmill, or running after a niece or nephew.  Just down stairs.  Why?  Is it that walking downstairs indicates leaving...walking away?  Is it that one's balance is shifted forward and feels more vulnerable?  Going down the stairs is so much easier than going up the stairs - physically speaking.  I can go a whole lot quicker.  That is, as long as I can see my feet!

But walking down stairs, without being able to see clearly where each foot is going makes me anxious.  It can be immobilizing.  I feel uncertain, fearful.  I found that the anxiety and fearfulness permeated my life this past week.  I've felt depressed and scared to leave the house a couple of days now.  Being unsure of where I am going and what I am doing with my life has worried and saddened me.  Not being able to see the way clearly has felt frustrating and scary.  Not being able to move as quickly down the stairs (or in life) as I normally do has left me feeling unnerved and uncertain. 

Going downstairs is usually the easiest, quickest part of any journey for me.  Moving away from something has meant entering something new or eventually returning to something I know.  But this (nearly) fortnight has been a challenge.  I have, slowly, cautiously, been teaching myself how to see while I go down stairs:  as I leave the familiar and enter out into the world.  I have worked on looking forward, using intuition and trust so as to not need to look at my feet...worked on not staying planted to one spot out of fear of not being able to see my feet, but relying on my peripheral vision to guide me.

The parallel process?  The deeper I enter into this leave from work, the more time I spend alone, without constant distraction...the harder it is.  For me, it is very much like trying to go down stairs without being able to see my feet.  It is the unknowing, despite being in a familiar milieu.  It is forcing myself to look up, to where I can see clearly, even though it is contra-indicated.  I feel more anxious and disconnected.  I can't see my feet as clearly...where I am stepping is feeling unknown.  Leaving and walking away from the comfort of what is familiar....  The easy part of life - walking downstairs - has gotten harder. 

But...ten days later, I am learning to be patient with myself.  To give myself time.  And to not look down so much, but rather, to look forward.  Fighting the anxiety to just stay planted and challenging myself to go down the stairs, go forward in life, looking ahead, regardless of how clearly I can see.

And that's just Lesson #1!  Wait until you hear Lesson #2! 

Tags: vision

Jewish New Year

L' shanah Tovah!  Tonight begins Yamim Nora'im (Days of Awe - the High Holy Days).  It is a time of introspection.  My goy (Christian) self simplifies this by remembering that this is the Holiday where you see if your name is inscribed in the book.  You are supposed to reflect on, as the Catholics say, "all I have done and all I have failed to do".

It begins with Rosh Hashanah.  I love this holiday.  Tomorrow, my b.f.f. Alberta and I will go to services in the morning.  They blow the shofar.  Being a former trumpet player, I love that.  And there's good music, too!

You eat apples and honey, symbols of a sweet new year (much healthier than chocolate bunny rabbits at Easter and better than gefilte fish and bitter herbs at Passover!).  Orthodox people go down to the East River for Tashlikh, where you empty your pockets and symbolically cast off your sins.  Some people carry bread in their pocket for this.

Basically...it's a lot about getting a chance to start fresh:  to spend time reflecting and repenting.  It's a chance to get good with God.  It ends with Yom Kippur, a day of fasting and real repentance.  Alberta and I go to Kol Nidre services together, as this is a time to honor those who have died.  I'll tell you more about that next week.

So, I'd like to share with you a drash (or sermon/homily) given by the Rabbi from the synagogue Alberta and I used to attend.  So that you don't get real confused, Congregation Beth Simchat Torah is the largest gay/lesbian/transgender synagogue in the world, with close to 1,000 members and over 6,000 people attending Kol Nidre services, which are held atthe Jacob Javits Convention Center each year (lots of family and friends attend, such as myself).

The drash that I am linking you to is a little heavy.  It is about community.  It made me think of all of you on two levels.   First, in BBBS (the "network"), we struggle with the "us versus them" issue.  And yet, in many ways, we are a community of individuals and of organizations, sharing a similar call...a similar mission...a similar purpose.  The second reason I think of you is that the drash speaks about how we must be there for one another.

Although the drash speaks in the context of our relationship with God (and I don't claim to know your status in that regard), Rabbi Kleinbaum (named one of America's top 50 Rabbi's in America!  http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17721005/site/newsweek/ )addresses that fact that there are those who do not believe in God.  She shares an interesting concept in all of this, regarding the in-between, where God lives.  Whether you call it god or not, it is a very powerful place to be in relationship with others. 

Anyway!  At the end, she says, "...zwishewn, in-between-ness...nourishes our souls, but not just our individual souls....it is in community, it is in relationship with other people that the Eternal Thou, that the Transcendent, can be found.  There is no other way."

A healthy, Happy New Year!

YOU'LL NEED TO ACCESS THE F: DRIVE -  file:///F:/Agency%20Services/Agency%20Communications/Building%20Community.doc

 

 

Tags: Jewish

9-11

Today is still a painfully sad day for me.  I sat through the coverage waiting to see Dwight's picture and name.  It's still on...the reading of the names, the poems, the tributes.  It is all so painfully sad.

Dwight served on the board of Catholic Big Brothers (CBB) for many years - I believe over 25.  It was a seat held by his father and a seat that was passed on to one of his sons after Dwight's murder in the tower.

I remember Dwight most vividy during our Strategic Planning process in the late 90's.  The staff had done the preliminary draft, after analysis of current data and projections based on trending data (Cindy - do ya love it!).  We then presented to a board Task Force, whose job it was to react and respond to the draft, give us additional direction and next steps, prior to the final presentation to the board.  The Task Force met 2x for a couple of hours in the evening. 

I only recall one of the meetings.  Dwight was sitting at the far end of the conference room table, kitty-corner from where I sat.  He was a tall man (well, 6' 2" is tall for me!) and very unassuming.  He was always relatively quiet at board meetings, rarely speaking up with questions.  When he did speak, Dwight had a deep voice, but always quiet and slow.  I never saw him flustered.

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9:03am - The 2nd Tower is Hit.

I was on the phone with my dad.  Alberta had called me at 8:50am to tell me to turn on the tv, that a plane had just flown into the north tower.  I laughed.  I was looking out the window at a clear, blue, gorgeous sky.  I was disbelieving.  Until I saw it.  Then I was shaking and frightened.  We talked for 10 minutes, then I told her I needed to call my dad. 

I'm not sure why.  We don't have that kind of relationship.  It scares me to talk to him.  But I needed to see if he was there.  Suddenly I felt so vulnerable.  As though the whole world might be being blown up.  I got him on the phone right away.  He didn't have a tv but had the radio on.  As we talked, I watched as a plane flew into the south tower.  I remember screaming, "Oh, my God!  Dad!  We're being attacked!"  Dad was calm and soft-spoken. He got me calmed down.  

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Dwight was known as the keeper of our "Catholic" identity.  That's what we counted on him for.  He didn't bring a ton of money into CBB (he worked for the Port Authority), but he never let us stray far from our roots and our home in Catholicism.  He didn't argue the Catholic piece the same way Fr. Sullivan did - from the perspective of the Archdiocese.  Dwight served a very different part.  He was the voice that would always quietly ask, "what about the children?"  He cared as much about who we didn't serve as about who we did serve.  I realized much later that Dwight saw our Catholic identity with a little "c" - universal...serving all.

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9:29am - North Tower Collapses. 

I was numb by then.  Just staring back and forth between the tv and the window.  The sky was still blue and cloudless.  But now there was a haze blowing out from lower Manhattan.  Like smog drifting in.  I felt vulnerable in my 4th floor apartment...waiting for a plane to fly into my building or to start dropping bombs.

The phone rang.  It was Lynne.  She never called...especially from work.  She never dared risk our relationship being discovered.  But today she did.  That day we both felt vulnerable enough to not care about risking the world knowing about our relationship.  Lynne told me to leave.  To go to ALC's house and stay with her.  To not be alone.  She needed to stay at the clinic, working with the staff to support the patients that came in for treatment that 9-11. 

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They found Dwight over a month after the towers fell.  He was in an elevator in the north tower.  He must have been on his way up to work when the plane hit.   The soft, quiet voice of CBB was gone.   

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ALC and I walked across the street to Methodist Hospital to give blood.  They weren't taking any more volunteers.  Dozens of ambulances were idling.  The hospital had mattresses stacked out on the sidewalk, ready for mass injuries.  Multiple triage stations were set-up on the block.  People were starting to walk around with masks over their face.  It was getting foggy...hazy.  A cloud was descending on Park Slope.  No injured ever came.

ALC and I took her daughter, Moira (3) to the park.  She didn't want Moira to have to listen to the news and hear all the bad stuff going on.  We stayed for 5 hours.  Before we walked home, we walked the Great Lawn.  It was 6:20pm.  Pieces of paper fluttered out of the air.  Some burned, some charred.  Some untouched, as though someone threw them up like confetti. 

How could God allow paper to survive...floating in the air almost 8 hours after the 2nd tower fell...untouched?  And where had the paper gone?  Where had it been for so many hours? 

As Moira and I walked around catching paper as it fell from heaven, I thought of the people who had last touched the paper.  Were they alive?  Did they jump?  Did they fall? 

Looking up, the sky twinkled, the sun reflecting off each piece of paper as it fluttered, silently to the ground.  Like so many souls that day...falling silently to the ground as their souls soared up to the heavens.

9-11 is a very sad day for me. 

 

Tags: 9-11, catholic

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Vacation at the Cape

Well...taking a vacation during a break is kind of an odd experience.  It was still vacationee, but without needing the first 3 days to relax and the last 2 days to push back into a work psyche! 

I kept momentum with some things: journaling and reading -

* Kite Runner, Khaled Hosseini (cried 3 times); *Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith, Anne Lamott (laugh out loud funny and thoughtful);  *Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & through the Looking Glass (who knew that Lewis Carrol was probably a pedophile, given the naked photos who took of little girls!); finished  *The Last of the Mohicans, James Fenimore Copper (I was Hawkeye in another life); started *Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson "My Shadow" and "Block City" are two favorite poems of his).

And I lost momentum with the diet (all five pounds came back!), long walks and not watching TV on Mondays, Weds and Thursdays.

But!  I did do a puzzle, which is one of my mostest favoritest things to do when on vacation!  Unfortunately, I received no help, so I had to bring it home and finish it while watching the MDA Telethon (isn't Jerry Lewis amazing!).  It was then that it occurred to me that I could start a business:  Puzzle Packers!  It takes some talent (if I do say so myself) to pack a puzzle up so that the part you finished (3/4ths) travels 275 miles without disintegrating!  I picked a picture of the desert, in memory of Phoenix!

And then there was sunrise over the beach!  Say no more....