Ayeka - where are you?

As the Jewish Holidays draw near, I reflect on Rabbi Klienbaum's drash @CBST from a couple of years ago.

Simply put, she challenged us to look into God's question to Adam: "ayeka?" - "where are you?"

Marc Gellman (Where Are You, Adam? http://www.firstthings.com/article/1996/05/003-where-are-you-adam) writes that in this season of Ayeka we are asked to:

• render a spiritual accounting not of our careers, but of our compassion;
• not of our wealth, but of our wisdom;
• not of our gains, but of our gifts;
• not of our physical fitness, but of the fitness of our souls.

Where am I?  Where are you?

L'shanah tovah tikatevu

Twas the Day Before Christmas and...

...where is the joy? What are you supposed to feel during the holiday?

Yesterday I must have spent about 2 hours walking around the neighborhood doing errands: dropping off cards at the post office, looking for fresh basil, picking up packages, finding Hanukkah paper....

Through it all I could feel myself going through the motions. I tried humming holiday tunes in my head, taking deep breaths of frigid air, kicking chunks of icy snow...but something was missing.
It was joy. This year I am missing joy. That stuff that makes me all excited when I pick up boxes at the mailbox. That makes me sit in front of "How the Grinch Stole Xmas" and sing along (instead, I went into the kitchen to bake). The joy that wakes me up early and keeps me up late (in bed by 9:30pm). The joy that makes me count the hours until Christmas morning and plan the hours afterward so I have plenty of time to read my books!

I feel like I'm experiencing Christmas through someone else's eyes. I just can't find the emotional connect. Not that I don't cry...oh, I'm doing that. Or that I'm not angry...it doesn't take much to set me off and big time! But the joy? Nada.