Faith on the Outside, ? on the Inside

I'm a pretty faithful-appearing person on the outside.  I wear the trappings of my Faith pretty well.

In my pocket, I carry around a little wooden rosary, blessed by the Holy Father himself!  I rub it and tangle it up in my fingers whenever I'm standing and waiting, or sitting in a meeting listening, or just thinking.  I have no idea how it works - no one ever taught me.  I suppose I could find a YouTube video.  For now, it's kinda like a rabbits foot.  I'm not sure it's working real well....

I have a beautiful print of the church where I was confirmed and received first communion.  It's right above my desk at work, where I could, if I were so inclined, gaze upon it and remind myself of my Faith.  I tend to do that only when I'm exhausted and defeated and wondering what life is all about....

I volunteer at church.  Or did.  The minute my commitment ended I begged off, with mutterings of being tired and needing a break.  All the while promising to help with this and with that other thing.  I love saying I do stuff at the church.  Now to make the time to do it....

And I do pray.  When I'm feeling worn down, lost, seeking direction.  Occasionally I'll do my best St. Francis impression and actually thank God for a beautiful day or the fresh air or the time to walk and sing tunes in my head..  Occasionally....

I guess I'm just an every day kinda person when it comes to Faith.  I play at it well.  I go through lots of the motions.  But inside...?

Shadows of the Past

I saw you, shadows of my past,
standing in front of me in the deli,
ahead of me on the way to the office, sitting across from me on the train.

Silhouettes of people I've worked with,
colleagues now moved on to other
jobs,
states,
lives.

My heart aches for it to have been you.
To have walked up to you and asked
what you thought about the latest article,
the new survey being developed,
the current thinking about board development.

I hope you're well,
shadows of my past.
I'm relieved the sun hasn't faded you.

God Gave me an Epiphany for my Birthday

[no disrespect to Ellen Degeneres....www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdGbJWuFdNk]

Me:   ...I don't know what it is you're calling me to do with my life right now...
God:  Right.
Me:    I really wish I knew exactly what it is you want me to do...
God:   Right.
Me:    I'm trying to figure it out myself.  I listen...hard.
God:   Right.
Me:    Maybe you're telling me right now and I'm just not listening hard enough...
God:   (smile) RIGHT!
Me.    I feel like your call is right here in front of me and I just can't see...er...feel...ah...hear it.
God:   (smile, and a quiet sigh)  Escribir.
Me:    Que?
God:   Escuchar a mí - escribir!
Me:    Excribir?

- silence -

Me:    OMG!  Write!  You've been telling me to write...right?!
God:   (smile)
Me:    Write!  I get it!

- silence -

Me:    Lord...I don't know what it is you are calling me to write...
God:  (sigh)