Reflections on Playfulness

Becca gave me a book when I left BBBSA:  "Why Normal Isn't Healthy" by Bowen E. White, MD.  Aside from the obvious 'what did she mean by this.' thoughts I had when I received it, followed by the 'I'll read this when I get a chance' plan I made when one gets a book about which they are circumspect, I did maintain an iota of curiosity.  Thank God.  In reading the book, I think that may be what's keeping me alive (my curiosity, not the book!)  
But seriously...it has made me think.  Pages 181-182 in the chapter entitled "Playfulness" (any wonder I started with that chapter?) got my mind and heart going:

"I'm not here to compete with other people.  I'm here to compete with me.  I'm here to do what I can do to move on with my life developmentally, to unfold my potential in the service of others, not to put someone else down to feel better.  Somebody else doesn't have to lose for me to win.

What will happen to the planet if we continue to compete and see things as "us" and "them"?

At some point, we have to recognize the value of collaboration.  We all have good brains, but they're small brains.  If we put out brains together, we have a bigger brain.  When we get the bigger brain working on things, creatively, it will be amazing what we come up with.  When we create environments where people use their collective big brains to problem-solve, better solutions abound."

Or, as the great philosopher Winnie the Pooh would say:

People who don't think probably don't have brains; rather, they have grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake.

Ok - so what's my point, you ask?  Well, I have a couple of thoughts.  One is about where I've been (my old job) and the other is about where I am (the new job), and why my angst has followed me from one to the other.  Of course, I blamed everything on the old job.  Why not?  Work is the central point of life, is it not?  (That's a test, folks!)

Where I sit today in my reflection is that as high a road as I might think I take sometimes, I am human.  And I'm a Leo.  And I like to win.  And as hard as I try to be in service to others, and fair, and collaborative, I am still competitive.  I like to be liked.  I want to be great.  I don't tolerate my own mistakes very well.

So I left an environment where I felt pulled down by the "us" versus "them" debate:  where someone does have to lose in order to win.  An environment where we couldn't collaborate to be better without putting down everyone and everything that came before us.

And now I am in a new space.  Where I can start fresh.  And yet, I've sunk right back into an "us" versus "them":  what was and used to be, versus what is and can be.  I am competing against a past I don't know or was part of.  And every day I feel my creativity, my playfulness, my 'Spark' fading.  Fast.  My dreams are dark and full of loss, death, sadness, worry.  My humor comes like hiccups:  it lasts too long once it starts, but it appears infrequently.  Much of this I do to myself by being afraid on not being 'good enough'.  I am an active participant in creating an "us" versus "them" environment in an effort to make myself feel better.  At the same time I'm trying to build a team, a sense of cohesiveness, an environment where we share a common goal and passion for the work. 

And everyday I feel more like a human bottle of oil and vinegar.  Separated.

So what does Dr.  White say?  I need to collaborate.  I need to "watch myself, pay attention, let the observer effect come into play.  With awareness I can go for win-win....I have a small brain.  You have a small brain....When we put two small but good brains together, the result is a bigger brain.  The effect can be more than additive; it can be synergistic.  One plus one equals three."

Collaboration does something else.  It makes us more vulnerable.  We have to let go of some of our control to open ourselves up to what others have to share.  Ugh.  It can get so messy in that space. 

And yet, play - good, hard, fun play - is messy.  There are board games with rules and directions, and there are mud pies and forts built out of boxes.  There are beginning lines and finish lines, and there are hours of time lost in imagination. 

As much as I like things organized, and color-coded, and neat (with accompanying rules and directions), my joy is in creating.  In the messiness of a white board gone mad.  In the sloppiness of scribbles on a note pad that has no title or notebook to live in.  In a space where the people around me share ideas that make no sense and are hard to understand because they are unfamiliar and new. 

I love to play.  And when I hide my playfulness it's like putting my heart in a box. 

So I have to find my noncompetitive play.  I need to understand that while I learn my new job, I have to collaborate.  I have to let go of the need for control.  I have to stop focusing on winning and "me" versus "them".  I need to respect everyone's brains for what they are, not for what I want them to be.

"...play in general is important because as animal brain size increases, the amount that animal play increases."  Time to vacuum out the fluff and exercise my playfulness