Rule #68243 Section 17 Subsection 12a

LG and I learned early on in our relationship that rules were going to be a key part of our life together. We also learned to laugh at the role rules played, as I started to number each new rule that came along. You're familiar with many of them:

• Don't leave your dishes in the sink (with a little leeway for a "Sandy Soak" in hot, soapy water)
• Put the laundry away
• Don't leave that there
• Pick up....(fill in the blank)
• Don't move ..... (fill in the blank)
• Shoes off in the house

I had many of my own, but they tended to remain with me:

• Make my bed every morning
• Put my laundry away (....wait...is that also above...?)
• Rinse the recylables (so they make the garbage can less stinky)

Rules, are of course, about discipline in one's life.  It's how we establish boundaries (what's yours, what's mine, what's ours), learn to respect one another (for and despite our differences), and it helps keep our lives from devolving into a world of chaos (of which there is already plenty - just turn on the news).

The rules in our relationship helped us build mutual respect.  We didn't always agree...didn't always understand the rule and its' necessity...but out of our love and respect for one another we learned to honor the rules.  We learned that our individual and mutual rules helped us better understand one another (asking "why?" about a rule was certainly allowed and encouraged).  It also allowed us to better care for one another.  I knew what LG needed to feel comfortable, safe, and at peace.  LG knew that my rules (despite their idiosyncrasy) helped me to feel the same.  

Rules in relationships help us build an ebb and flo to our day-to-day.  We come to know what to expect.  Like/agree with the rules or not, they allow us to learn more about our partner: the what and why of rules, and the significance of routine.

Rules can also teach us.  Hang a shirt up along the seams of the shoulder helps to prevent those little pucker pockets you can get.  Hang pants along the crease and you'll have to worry less abiout ironing and they look smarter.  

But the most important thing about rules, for me, was that they helped me to slow down.  To be thoughtful and disciplined.  To remain aware of my partner's needs and wants.  To learn more about my own needs and wants.  To respect one another's boundaries.  To better communicate.  And to laugh.

Laughter, by the way, was Rule #1. 

Why Don't People Take Their Coats Off In Church?

Last winter I noticed something when I went to church.

I noticed it because I became acutely aware of people looking at me.

It happened when I arrived and entered my pew.  I'd walk in to my favorite spot on the pew (don't we all have that?!)  and would take off  my gloves and hat, my backpack or bag, then unwrap my scarf and fold it, then, finally, my coat, being careful to fold it just right so that it sat on the pew next to me.

It was my usual pattern. Until one day, as I was going through the motions, I noticed that everyone around me was watching me.  I thought maybe I was being loud.  But I knew I was very careful to not intrude upon the stillness of the space.  In fact, when I'd purchased a new winter coat that year, I'd intentionally avoided one with a shell that was loud and made lots of 'rustly' noise.

But as I looked around at my fellow parishoners, I suddenly became very self-conscious to the fact that I was one of but a few people who had taken their coat off.  In fact, at communion time, I observed that less than 20% of us had taken our coats off even when coming up for communion.

Why?

I suppose there are some common sense reasons:

• theft
• takes up space in the pew
• temperature of the church

Yet the building was fairly warm and nothing a sweater couldn't handle.  And in all my years at the Parish I'd never heard of a coat being stolen.  Yes, my coat did take up another seat in the pew (had their been someone who wanted to sit next to me), but you can always sit on your coat, so...?

Keeping your coat on in Church makes you seem like you're on your way somewhere else.  I can't imagine keeping my coat on in church, and yet, I think that's where my Protestant roots influence me to this day.  In the Methodist Church, which I attended during my elementary school years, there were coat racks in the church hall, where you left your coat during services.  It's also where you returned after services, to join other congregants for coffee and fellowship.  Catholics don't seem to have a big tradition of that - certainly not in my Parish.

For me, church is home.  When I go, I want to sit down with God, my fellow parishioners, and spend an hour in song and prayer and reflection and communion.  I want to stay and be comfortable.  I want to be present mind, body and spirit.  Keeping my coat on would feel like I had one foot out the door and on the way to the next activity.

So I'll keep taking my coat off in church.  And perhaps those who chose not to will wonder why.

Ayeka - where are you?

As the Jewish Holidays draw near, I reflect on Rabbi Klienbaum's drash @CBST from a couple of years ago.

Simply put, she challenged us to look into God's question to Adam: "ayeka?" - "where are you?"

Marc Gellman (Where Are You, Adam? http://www.firstthings.com/article/1996/05/003-where-are-you-adam) writes that in this season of Ayeka we are asked to:

• render a spiritual accounting not of our careers, but of our compassion;
• not of our wealth, but of our wisdom;
• not of our gains, but of our gifts;
• not of our physical fitness, but of the fitness of our souls.

Where am I?  Where are you?

L'shanah tovah tikatevu