Letrs frum en inturn

Hay it's mey.  Holly. I snuked in too Sandeeyz spot too riyt u. Wayt. Let mes put spel chyk on. Ok. That's better. I'm worried about Sandy. I think something ate her. It may be happening to Sue, too. It all has to do with meetings. I think Sandy went to one and never came back. She used to say how meetings were eating into her time.  I think they may have swallowed her whole!

Slowly people around here are disappearing.  They say, "I'm going downstairs to a meeting," or "I'll be right back.  I have a meeting."  And then they're gone.  It gets quieter and quieter.  Not that I mind.  Moose like solitary spaces.  But occasionally I hear sobbing.  I'm worried.

My new boss-ess, Sue (she tells me to call her "Goddess," but I'm not convinced) might be getting eaten, but really, really slowly.  She'll come to work in the morning all happy and cheerful, singing a little, occasionally twirling and clapping (it makes me dizzy to watch).  She's all about getting things done - "focus, focus, focus," she says to me in that happy, smiley voice.

But soon she's get quiet and stop moving.  She'll sit at her desk, looking at the light box and start talking to herself.  Then she'll turn to me and say, "Ok, Holly.  I have to go to a meeting now.  Wish me luck".  When she comes back, it's like something has happened.  She's talking to herself.   She's  She keeps saying "I can't stand it.  This is painful".  She sits at her desk rubbing her head saying, "I don't get it.  I just don't get it."   It's like her brain is being eaten.  And then she'll look at me and say, "Who the hell are you and what are you looking at?!"  And I try not to have eye contact except that my eyes are glued open and in one direction, so it's really hard.

And then there's the memory thing.  Boss-ess Sue will come back from one of those meeting things and she can't remember very good!  She walks around, and around, and around in her office,  muttering...and then she'll look at me and say, "Holly!  Where did I put ______?"  Or, "Holly!  Have you seen ________?"  Yesterday she wanted me to tell her where her car keys were!  Doesn't she know that cars are Moose Death Machines?  Clearly she needs some sensitivity training!!    But that man has disappeared, too.

Whatever this meeting thing is, it's effecting behavior.  It makes people mean.  I thought when I was kidnapped that maybe it was just an accident.  But then it happened a second time.  And everyone just laughed.  I thought this was a place that cared and wanted to "make a difference"?

I think these "meeting" things are slowly killing people here.  At the very least, based on Sue, I think they're eating people's brains.  And I don't know what to do.  I hope I don't have to go to any meetings.  Ever. 

Walking Home Backwards

...er...not literally (if I did that, you'd probably be sending me 'Get Well' cards right about now!)

This was my first full week of taking the "A" train to and from work, thanks to the "R" train tunnel being closed.  You all remember the "A" train, don't you - http://youtu.be/bHRbEhLj540 - or are you all too young  :>)  How about "New York, New York a wonderful town...the Bronx is up and Battery is down"?  http://youtu.be/x7CIgWZTdgw

But I digress!  The result of my subway train was that at the end of the day, I had to walk back the way I came in the morning. Until now, I'd only taken the "A"train to work - never home.  Now, you may not think that's any big deal.  But when you're in lower Manhattan, 2 blocks from the "Canyon of Hero's" it is a rich experience.  And slightly disorienting, as well! Think of it, all yea suburban dwellers! How many of you park in the same spot at the mall every time (over by Sears, where there's one of only 4 trees,to allow my car some shade).  There's a reason we are creatures of habit!

I suppose this is just another way life has turned direction for me. In so many ways my life today is like I've turned around and headed in the opposite direction.  And getting my bearings is not easy!

 

Yes, I'm still working in the mentoring world and, yes, youth development is still my focus. But perspective has a lot to do with how we manage change. As familiar as the work is, turn me around, introduce new process, tools to manage the process, systems to manage the tools and the process...well...it's a bit disorienting.   Which, in turn, is scary.  Perhaps, then, the greatest challenge is in how we cope.

The first few days of my journey in reverse were disorienting. Made worse by the fact that I work in a part of town that consists of named streets and not numbered ones, I kept getting a sense I was going in the wrong direction. Surrounded by unfamiliar landmarks and a bunch of buildings either under construction or being repaired following Storm Sandy, uptown and downtown weren't clear to me anymore. I had to remind myself that I was smarter than I was feeling and that if I just tried to change my frame of reference, I'd be ok.

I took two approaches to coping: I held on to my common sense (if the street was running downhill, it was most likely heading toward a river), and I put on my best Lewis and Clark impression and approached it all like an adventure. After all, what was the worst that could happen? I walk a few blocks out of my way?

Which, of course, did happen. And, as a result, I discovered a route that cut at least 2 blocks of my walk; 2 post offices en route (how handy is that?); 2 dollar stores (keep in mind, I work 3 blocks from the NY Stock Exchange!); and a Church (with those 15 minute mini-services that city churches in business areas seem to have).   Before I knew it, what started out as an anxious time has now become a journey of discovery - Henry Hudson, move over!

So for my friends who aren't city dwellers, next time you're at the mall or the grocery store, try 'walking backwards' for a different perspective. See what you discover that you may not have noticed before. Name your favorite explorer and head-off in a new direction! Approach it with eyes open, courage and curiosity.  Journey on!

Reflections on Playfulness

Becca gave me a book when I left BBBSA:  "Why Normal Isn't Healthy" by Bowen E. White, MD.  Aside from the obvious 'what did she mean by this.' thoughts I had when I received it, followed by the 'I'll read this when I get a chance' plan I made when one gets a book about which they are circumspect, I did maintain an iota of curiosity.  Thank God.  In reading the book, I think that may be what's keeping me alive (my curiosity, not the book!)  
But seriously...it has made me think.  Pages 181-182 in the chapter entitled "Playfulness" (any wonder I started with that chapter?) got my mind and heart going:

"I'm not here to compete with other people.  I'm here to compete with me.  I'm here to do what I can do to move on with my life developmentally, to unfold my potential in the service of others, not to put someone else down to feel better.  Somebody else doesn't have to lose for me to win.

What will happen to the planet if we continue to compete and see things as "us" and "them"?

At some point, we have to recognize the value of collaboration.  We all have good brains, but they're small brains.  If we put out brains together, we have a bigger brain.  When we get the bigger brain working on things, creatively, it will be amazing what we come up with.  When we create environments where people use their collective big brains to problem-solve, better solutions abound."

Or, as the great philosopher Winnie the Pooh would say:

People who don't think probably don't have brains; rather, they have grey fluff that's blown into their heads by mistake.

Ok - so what's my point, you ask?  Well, I have a couple of thoughts.  One is about where I've been (my old job) and the other is about where I am (the new job), and why my angst has followed me from one to the other.  Of course, I blamed everything on the old job.  Why not?  Work is the central point of life, is it not?  (That's a test, folks!)

Where I sit today in my reflection is that as high a road as I might think I take sometimes, I am human.  And I'm a Leo.  And I like to win.  And as hard as I try to be in service to others, and fair, and collaborative, I am still competitive.  I like to be liked.  I want to be great.  I don't tolerate my own mistakes very well.

So I left an environment where I felt pulled down by the "us" versus "them" debate:  where someone does have to lose in order to win.  An environment where we couldn't collaborate to be better without putting down everyone and everything that came before us.

And now I am in a new space.  Where I can start fresh.  And yet, I've sunk right back into an "us" versus "them":  what was and used to be, versus what is and can be.  I am competing against a past I don't know or was part of.  And every day I feel my creativity, my playfulness, my 'Spark' fading.  Fast.  My dreams are dark and full of loss, death, sadness, worry.  My humor comes like hiccups:  it lasts too long once it starts, but it appears infrequently.  Much of this I do to myself by being afraid on not being 'good enough'.  I am an active participant in creating an "us" versus "them" environment in an effort to make myself feel better.  At the same time I'm trying to build a team, a sense of cohesiveness, an environment where we share a common goal and passion for the work. 

And everyday I feel more like a human bottle of oil and vinegar.  Separated.

So what does Dr.  White say?  I need to collaborate.  I need to "watch myself, pay attention, let the observer effect come into play.  With awareness I can go for win-win....I have a small brain.  You have a small brain....When we put two small but good brains together, the result is a bigger brain.  The effect can be more than additive; it can be synergistic.  One plus one equals three."

Collaboration does something else.  It makes us more vulnerable.  We have to let go of some of our control to open ourselves up to what others have to share.  Ugh.  It can get so messy in that space. 

And yet, play - good, hard, fun play - is messy.  There are board games with rules and directions, and there are mud pies and forts built out of boxes.  There are beginning lines and finish lines, and there are hours of time lost in imagination. 

As much as I like things organized, and color-coded, and neat (with accompanying rules and directions), my joy is in creating.  In the messiness of a white board gone mad.  In the sloppiness of scribbles on a note pad that has no title or notebook to live in.  In a space where the people around me share ideas that make no sense and are hard to understand because they are unfamiliar and new. 

I love to play.  And when I hide my playfulness it's like putting my heart in a box. 

So I have to find my noncompetitive play.  I need to understand that while I learn my new job, I have to collaborate.  I have to let go of the need for control.  I have to stop focusing on winning and "me" versus "them".  I need to respect everyone's brains for what they are, not for what I want them to be.

"...play in general is important because as animal brain size increases, the amount that animal play increases."  Time to vacuum out the fluff and exercise my playfulness